The Inu Crews Messed Up Movie!
by Katz3
Summary: A Crazed Director, A Shelf of Films, and a Cast of Anime Characters. That Can Only Mean One Thing, GET THE POPCORN!
1. The Hanyou strikes Back

The Inu Crew's Messed Up Movie!  
Directed By Katz-Sama  
  
Author Note: I Do Not Own InuYasha or Any of the movies we will be screwing  
up.  
  
It was 6 AM, and the sun hadn't even risen yet, a Neko Child wearing a black sweater and pants had walked up the steps to the auditorium, this was a special day, she was going to fulfill her dream of making a movie with her favorite cast of characters from the well-known anime, InuYasha. She took a deep breath and smiled opening the door to the auditorium not surprised to see Sango beating the hell out of Miroku for some odd reason, InuYasha sitting in the balcony sulking, Sesshoumaru sighing and mumbling about something, Rin running after Jaken with a plank of wood, Kikyo sitting, no emotion or anything, Naraku sitting in the darker parts of the auditorium, the only one acting remotely normal was Kagome.  
  
Kagome: You must be the new director! Come on in!  
  
Katz: Thank you.  
  
The Cat-like girl smiled as she walked up toward center stage  
  
Katz: Okay everyone, listen up!  
  
Everyone ignored her and carried on what she was doing.  
  
Katz: -screams- SHUT UP AND LISTEN! Thank you. As you may have guessed, I am your director and coach for the next few weeks, now, after an hour of thinking and going through movies of mine I chose these to perform. Star Wars, Road to Perdition, The Godfather, Aladdin, Anger Management, Catch Me If You Can, Monty Python and The Holy Grail, and The Crocodile Hunter Movie, line up for your scripts.  
  
InuYasha: What movie are we starting first anyway, and do we get any reward for this.  
  
Katz: -gives an evil eye- Just take the stupid script, Dog Boy.  
  
InuYasha: Whatever.  
  
Katz: Our first movie is going to be an edition of Star Wars, and our line up is.  
  
Luke SkyWalker: InuYasha  
  
Princess Leia: Kagome  
  
Darth Vader: Sesshoumaru  
  
Chewbacca: Shippou  
  
Han Solo: Naraku  
  
CP30: Miroku  
  
R2D2: Sango  
  
Myoga: ObiWan Kenobie  
  
Kikyo: Yoda  
  
Katz: Okay! Chop, Chop! Go get your costume!  
  
Kikyo: Yoda? YODA!?  
  
Meanwhile, outside the auditorium, a fifteen-year-old girl sat with a camera, and autograph book, ready to meet the crew. Her name was Jessi, and she wasn't one to miss this opportunity.  
  
Jessi: Finally. My chance to meet the InuYasha crew and plaster their beautiful faces all over my wall! Wish me luck!  
  
Jessi sneaked inside the auditorium just as trumpets blared the Star Wars Theme. Katz stood on center stage and words flashed behind her as she spoke.  
  
Katz: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...  
  
  
It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star has  
been destroyed, Imperial troops have driven the Rebel forces from  
their hidden base and pursued them across the galaxy.  
Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters  
led by Luke Skywalker has established a new secret base on the remote  
ice world of Hoth.  
The evil lord Darth Vader, obsessed with finding young Skywalker,  
has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of  
space...  
  
The scene skips to InuYasha riding a giant lizard in the snowstorm.  
  
InuYasha: *Ack! Stupid freezing weather, this ride's too bumpy.*  
  
InuYasha stops the lizard and yells into a walkie talkie  
  
InuYasha: Echo three to echo seven, Han, buddy, do you read?  
  
Naraku: La, la, la. That's my cue? Oh. Yeah. Um. Loud and clear Kid!  
  
InuYasha: I finished my circle, no life readings.  
  
Naraku: There isn't enough life on that ice cube to fill a space pod -teeth chattering- Its cooold I don't care if that's not my line. -is thwaped- I'm going back!  
  
InuYasha: Right, I'll see you shortly, there's a meteorite I want to check out, wont be long.  
  
InuYasha pets the head of his lizard and walks toward the meteorite. But he stops and sniffs.  
  
InuYasha: Do you smell something? Uh oh.  
  
A Shadow falls and a giant monster stands growling. InuYasha reaches for the Tessaiga but is too slow and the monster smacks his face with a huge claw, the monster then turns eating the lizard InuYasha was riding and picks up InuYasha dragging him away.  
  
Meanwhile, Jessi, the fan girl is snapping photographs with huge eyes, she can't believe it! Her dream is real!  
  
Katz: HEY! NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY! AAAAAAANNNND ACTION!  
  
We see InuYasha laying face down in the snow half alive and conscious, he looks and sees Myoga, his Jedi trainer, but wasn't Myoga dead?  
  
InuYasha: Myoga?  
  
Myoga: InuYasha. Go to The Bone Eater's Well.  
  
InuYasha: Bone Eater's Well?  
  
Myoga: Is there an echo here? Yes, the Bone Eater's well, where you will meet Kikyo. She is the Jedi who instructed me.  
  
Myoga hops away landing in a snowdrift disappearing. We then See Naraku by InuYasha's side.  
  
Naraku: InuYasha? Halloo? Inu? Wakey, Wakey, Eggs and Baccy!  
  
InuYasha doesn't respond, Naraku tries shaking him awake, it doesn't work, he them begins thwaping InuYasha upside the head, a little twitch, nothing, though. He grabs a giant mallet that came out of nowhere and smacks InuYasha silly, but nothing. He then looks to the dead lizard.  
  
Naraku: Oh, this is priceless.  
  
Naraku slices open the lizard and drags the smelly fat toward InuYasha cramming it into his face, InuYasha's nose cringes, and InuYasha starts screaming nonsense.  
  
InuYasha: Bone Eater's Well, Myoga, Kikyo, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Gummy Bears, and Telletubies.  
  
Naraku drags InuYasha to the carcass and skins the lizard's 'fur' placing it on InuYasha.  
  
Naraku: Gawd that smells, I hope you appreciate this InuYasha, crazed Director, Mommy.  
  
Katz: Okay, good. CUT! Okay, skip to the swamp scene. InuYasha and Kikyo, your on!  
  
InuYasha begins walking through a bog, cow moos, lion roars, little kid giggles, and crickets are heard. We then cut to a scene where InuYasha and Sango (In a Trash Can Painted with buttons) are sitting across a table from Kikyo who wears green makeup and plastic ears.  
  
InuYasha: Can I see Kikyo NOW?  
  
Kikyo: Patience! Eat! Good Food, Hm? Good? Yoda not far! Why does InuYasha wish to be a YouKai? Hm?  
  
InuYasha: Mostly because of my Brother I suppose.  
  
Kikyo: Ah, your brother, Powerful YouKai was he, Powerful YouKai, Hm.  
  
Meanwhile, Jessi tried not to burst out in laughter as she sunk back into a seat in the back row. Who couldn't laugh at a dead priestess wearing plastic ears and talking with a speech impediment?  
  
InuYasha: Oh Puh-Lease! How do you know my Brother? You don't even know me! Come on Sango, this is a waste of our time!  
  
Sango: Beep, Beep, Meep.  
  
Kikyo: I can't teach you, you have no patience, he is not ready.  
  
InuYasha: Wait, you are Kikyo? I am ready to be a YouKai! I am!  
  
Kikyo: Ready Are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have  
I trained YouKai. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained! A YouKai must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Humph. Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A YouKai craves not these  
things! YOU ARE RECKLESS, InuYasha! InuYasha: But I learned so much. I won't fail, I am not afraid!  
  
Kikyo: Oh, you will be, InuYasha, you will.  
  
Scene change, we see the inside of Naraku's ship, Millennium Falcon, they just flew into a cave. We see Miroku, who was spray painted gold, and Naraku.  
  
Miroku: Naraku, if I may venture an opinion-  
  
Naraku: I'm not interested.  
  
Kagome runs in pointing out the window as the ship bangs about and Shippou squeals and meeps.  
  
Kagome: Something's out there, in the cave!  
  
Everyone walks out of the ship after landing, they stomp about, this cave sure doesn't feel like rock, and Shippou jumps about pointing to a shape moving on top of the ship that screamed when Naraku shot it with a laser. Swarms of weird aliens run and fly about them, everyone boards the ship as the ground moves and heaves shaking the ship. As they fly forward a row of sharp teeth looking stalagmites close together, they put on full throttle and speed out of the cave.  
  
Naraku: That was no cave.  
  
Kagome, Miroku, and Shippou in unison looked confused and stared out the window and screamed, that wasn't a cave! That was a mouth! They were in the belly of an alien!  
  
Katz: That was good! CUT! Perfect everyone! Okay, I want to get the Darth Vader scene in here, SESSHOUMARU?!  
  
Sesshoumaru lazily opened an eye and moaned adjusting his facemask walking toward the stage. He stood facing InuYasha and smiled.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Break a Leg, brother.  
  
InuYasha: Thank you?  
  
Sesshoumaru: No, really, break a leg.  
  
Katz: Oi! Lets just start! ACTION!  
  
InuYasha stands face to face with Sesshoumaru, confident, and not afraid.  
  
Sesshoumaru: The force of the Jewel is with you, young Hanyou, but you are not a YouKai.  
  
InuYasha unsheathes Tessaiga and it transforms, Sesshoumaru does the same with his own sword and they begin to battle. Beneath them, the platform sways making it hard to keep balance.  
  
Sesshoumaru: You've learned much.  
  
InuYasha: I'm full of surprises.  
  
Sesshoumaru smacks the sword out of InuYasha's hand sending it flying and InuYasha loses his balance slipping barley hanging on to the platform.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Your destiny lies with me, InuYasha, Myoga knew this to be true.  
  
InuYasha: NO!  
  
InuYasha loses his balance as he stands up and falls backwards. But shoots fifteen feet up hanging from a pipe  
  
Sesshoumaru: Perhaps you aren't as strong as the Emperor thought, yet, you are most impressive in your actions, InuYasha. Myoga taught you well, you control fear, now release anger, only hatred will destroy me, InuYasha. Meanwhile, in the middle of it all, a strongly inked robot walks through.  
  
Bender: Did you see a lobsterman, a one eyed alien, and a red haired kid run by? I need to talk to them.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Wrong scene, Bender.  
  
Bender: oh, thanks.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Where were we?  
  
InuYasha: Here.  
  
InuYasha smirks and lunges just as Sesshoumaru is about to hack off InuYasha's hand, InuYasha slashes off Sesshoumaru's arm.  
  
Katz: DAMMIT InuYasha! THAT'S WRONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, AND AGAIN I SAY WROOOOOOONG! Sesshoumaru is supposed to cut off your hand!  
  
InuYasha: WHAT?!  
  
Sesshoumaru: -cough- Um, anyway, InuYasha, I am your brother!  
  
Sesshoumaru shoves InuYasha off the platform making him fall down to the crew below  
  
InuYasha: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-sips a soda-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Katz: Aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddd CUT! That's a wrap today guys! Good work!  
  
Everyone bows and smiles.  
  
Katz: I'll be back tomorrow guys, we start Filming for Monty Python!  
  
Everyone leaves the auditorium just as Jessi runs in looking around she shrugs and follows down the hall.  
  
Jessi: InuYasha! MIROKU! EVERYONE! 


	2. InuYasha and the Sacred Jewel

The Inu Crew's Messed Up Movie!  
Monty Python and the Holy Grail  
Directed By Katz-Sama  
  
Six AM again. The Neko girl, Katz had run up the steps to the auditorium carrying a sack over her shoulder slamming the door open. There the InuYasha crew sat waiting for their parts.  
  
Katz: Today we are doing a Comedy.  
  
Kagome: What is it?  
  
Katz: The all time funniest movie. MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL!  
  
Kagome: Oooh! I love that movie!  
  
Everyone else looked confused as they were handed scripts for the day.  
  
King Arthur: InuYasha  
  
Bedievere: Kagome  
  
Dennis: Shippou  
  
Old Villager: Kaede  
  
Black Knight and Tim The Sorcerer: Naraku  
  
Lancelot: Sango  
  
Galahad: Miroku  
  
Patsy: Kohaku  
  
Robin: Myoga  
  
Knight of Ni: Kikyo  
  
French Man: Sesshoumaru  
  
Suddenly, the Fan Girl, Jessi ran in.  
  
Jessi: Can I have a part?  
  
Katz: Fine, you'll be the Policeman in the last scene.  
  
Jessi: Yay! Thank you! I love that part!  
  
Katz: Okay! Everyone, get ready! Lets start! Aaaaaaannnnndd ACTION!  
  
The scene begins with a dusty trail, where InuYasha and Kohaku stand at the face of a fort. InuYasha hops about pretending to ride a horse while Kohaku bangs two halves of coconut together.  
  
InuYasha: Woah, Kohaku! We're here!  
  
Kohaku: -neighing and horse noises-  
  
A Soldier looks from the castle and hollers.  
  
Soldier: Halt! Who goes there!  
  
InuYasha: Whom do you think, stupid? It is I, InuYasha, son of InuYouKai from the Castle of Sengoku Jidai, prince of Japan!  
  
There is silence for a long time; everyone blinks as tumbleweeds fly by.  
  
Katz: Nice effect.  
  
Soldier: Go away, we don't like you.  
  
InuYasha: I am! I and my trusty steed Kohaku have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join our court in Sengoku Jidai. I must speak with your Lord!  
  
Soldier: Ridden on a horse?  
  
InuYasha: Duh.  
  
Soldier: THOSE ARE COCONUTS!  
  
InuYasha: Nani?  
  
Soldier: Two empty halves of coconut being banged together!  
  
InuYasha: Feh, anyway, we have ridden since the snow covered this land-  
  
Soldier: Where'd ya get the coconuts?  
  
InuYasha: NANI?! We found them, I guess.  
  
Soldier: Coconuts are tropical!  
  
InuYasha: Yeah?  
  
Soldier: This is the temperate zone.  
  
InuYasha: So? Swallows fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.  
  
Soldier: Are you saying Coconuts migrate?  
  
InuYasha: They can be carried.  
  
Soldier: A Swallow carrying a coconut?  
  
InuYasha: Sure.  
  
Soldier: I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky to find a coconut under a pound!  
  
InuYasha: The Swallow could grip it by the husk.  
  
Soldier: It's not a question of where he grips it, it's a simple matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not hold a one-pound coconut.  
  
InuYasha gets annoyed and he and Kohaku leave the man. They see ahead a peasant struggling with work.  
  
InuYasha: Little Girl!  
  
Shippou: Boy!  
  
InuYasha: Boy. Sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?  
  
Shippou: I'm eight.  
  
InuYasha: I-what was that?  
  
Shippou: I'm eight. I'm not little.  
  
InuYasha: Well, I can't just call you 'Boy'.  
  
Shippou: Well, you could say 'Shippou'.  
  
InuYasha: -sarcastically- Feh. Well, I didn't know you were called 'Shippou'.  
  
Shippou: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?  
  
InuYasha: Whatever. I did say 'sorry' about the 'like girl', but from the behind you-  
  
Shippou: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!  
  
InuYasha: Well, I am Prince!  
  
Shippou: Oh prince, eh, very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--  
  
Kaede: Shippou, there's some lovely filth down here. -sees InuYasha- Oh! How'd you do?  
  
InuYasha: How do you do, good lady? -mutters 'hag' under his breath- I am InuYasha, Prince of the Western Lands. Whose castle is that?  
  
Kaede: I didn't know we had a prince. I thought we were an autonomous collective.  
  
Shippou: You're fooling yourself, hag. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-  
  
Katz: -blink- Shippou knows big words o_o;  
  
Kaede: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.  
  
Shippou: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--  
  
InuYasha: -gets annoyed- Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?  
  
Kaede: No one live there.  
  
InuYasha: Then who is your lord?  
  
Kaede: We don't have a lord.  
  
InuYasha: Nani?  
  
Shippou: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.  
  
InuYasha: Hai.  
  
Shippou: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting, by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs, but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--  
  
InuYasha: -yells- be quiet! I order you to be quiet!  
  
InuYasha: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.  
  
InuYasha: I am your prince!  
  
Kaede: Well, I didn't vote for you.  
  
InuYasha: You don't vote for kings.  
  
Kaede: Well, how did you become king then?  
  
InuYasha: -smiles- The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft the Tessaiga from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, InuYasha, was to carry Tessaiga. That is why I am your prince!  
  
Shippou: -stops in InuYasha's face- Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. -pokes him in the nose- Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!  
  
InuYasha: Shut up!  
  
Shippou: I mean, heh, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!  
  
InuYasha, in his rage starts to strangle Shippou.  
  
Shippou: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.  
  
InuYasha: Shut up!  
  
Shippou: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help! I'm being repressed!  
  
InuYasha: Stupid Kid!  
  
Shippou: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?  
  
InuYasha and his trusty servant Kohaku "ride" along through the woods. Suddenly they come apoun a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a heated duel with giant long swords. One is dressed in green and one in black. InuYasha stops and watches the fight. The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the green knight is charging the black with a battle-axe, the black knight throws his sword straight through the slit in the green knight's helmet. The green knight falls to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls his sword out of the helmet. InuYasha, impressed with the black knight's fighting, motions to Kohaku and they "ride" forward.  
  
InuYasha: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight. I am InuYasha, Prince of the Western Lands. I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my court. You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? No So be it! Come, Kohaku!  
  
As InuYasha and Kohaku start to ride past the black knight, name Naraku, suddenly speaks  
  
Naraku: NONE SHALL PASS.  
  
InuYasha: Nani?  
  
Naraku: NONE SHALL PASS.  
  
InuYasha: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.  
  
Naraku: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.  
  
Katz: Augh! This is taking too long! The chapters almost over guys! Come on, lets skip to here, after InuYasha cuts off Naraku's arms and legs.  
  
Finally, InuYasha cuts the Naraku's arms and legs off with his sword. Blood spurts from the knight's open wounds.  
  
Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.  
  
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.  
  
InuYasha: A SCRATCH? Your limbs are off!  
  
Naraku: No it they aren't! I've had worse. Come on, you pansy!  
  
InuYasha: Victory is mine! We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy.  
  
Naraku: Come on, then!  
  
InuYasha: What?!?  
  
Naraku: at you!  
  
InuYasha: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine! Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no limbs left!  
  
Naraku: Yes I have!  
  
InuYasha: LOOK!!!  
  
Naraku: Just a flesh wound! Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!  
  
InuYasha: Lets go Kohaku.  
  
Naraku: Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take what's coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!  
  
Katz: CUT! Good, okay everyone, okay, lets skip the scene here. God appears giving the knights the quest to find the Shikkon jewel. Lets pick up with The Camelot Song. God, this will be good.  
  
InuYasha: Sengoku Jidai!  
  
Miroku: Sengoku Jidai!  
  
Sango: Sengoku Jidai!  
  
Kagome: Sengoku Jidai!  
  
Kohaku: Pfft, it's only a model.  
  
Everyone: Shhh!  
  
Everyone crowds around the camera arms around each other as they dance and sing can-can style on a table in the castle, Sango warily keeping an eye on Miroku.  
  
Everyone: We're Knights of the Round Table, we dance whenever we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, we dine well here in Sengoku Jidai, we eat Ramen, Rice, and tons of pocky! We're Knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, we're opera mad in Sengoku Jidai; we sing stupid songs of joy. In war we're tough and able, quite in- de-fatigable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable! It's a busy life in Japan  
  
InuYasha: We take Ramen breaks whenever we can!  
  
We returns to the scene outside with everyone staring at the castle with blank faces  
  
InuYasha: On second thought, it's a dumb place, lets just go.  
  
Everyone: Yeah, all right, fine, whatever.  
  
Everyone: Bravely bold Myoga, Brought forth from Olde Japan. He was not afraid to die, oh, brave Sir Myoga! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. Brave, brave, brave Myoga. He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp. Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken! To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Myoga. His head smashed in and his heart cut out, and his liver removed and his bowls unplugged, and his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off, And his-  
  
Myoga: That's...That's, uh... That's enough music for now, lads. It looks like there's dirty work afoot.  
  
Three headed knight: HALT!!!  
  
Katz: YES!! It was the dreaded Three Headed Knight, the fiercest creature for *yards* around! For second.... after second..., Robin held his own, but the giant proved too much for the brave knight. Scarcely was armor damp, when Robin suddenly, dramatically, changed his ideas! Brave Sir Robin ran away. Bravely ran away When Danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled yes brave Sir Robin turned about And gallantly chickened out!  
  
Myoga: No I didn't! Lies! All Lies!  
  
We see Miroku banging on a castle door, thinking this is the place of the Holy Grail, but he is surprised when a young woman answers the door. Miroku tries to hold back his emotions when he asks her to take him to the Shikkon Jewel.  
  
Zoot: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax!  
  
Miroku: The Castle Anthrax??  
  
Zoot: Yeah, It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, But *we* are nice! And we will attend to your every, *every* need!  
  
Miroku: You are the keepers of the Shikkon Jewel?  
  
Zoot: The what?  
  
Miroku: The Jewel. It is here.  
  
Zoot: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while! Midget! Creeper!  
  
Other women: Yes, Sir Zoot!  
  
Zoot: Prepare a *bed* for our guest.  
  
Others: Yes, Sir Zoot. Thank you, Sir Zoot! Thank you, Sir Zoot!  
  
Zoot: The beds here are warm and soft, and very, *very* big.  
  
Miroku: Well, look, I-  
  
Zoot: What is your name, handsome knight?  
  
Miroku: Miroku, the monk.  
  
Zoot: Mine is Zoot... just, Zoot. Oh, but come!  
  
Zoot and some other girls try to shove Miroku up the stairs, Miroku tries to keep his mind on task, but we all know he can't resist.  
  
Miroku: No, *please*! In god's name, show me the Jewel!!  
  
Zoot: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!  
  
Miroku: No, look, I have seen it! It is here, it--  
  
Zoot: Sir Miroku! You would not be so un-gallant as to refuse our hospitality!  
  
Miroku: Well, I--I, uh.  
  
Zoot: Oh... I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but 8 score young blondes and brunettes... all between 16 and 19-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh... it is a lonely life. Bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights! Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here. Oh!! But you are wounded!  
  
Miroku: No, no, it-it's nothing!  
  
Miroku tries to resist and run away but he is held back  
  
Zoot: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. She claps her hands twice; two sixteen-year old girls arrive.  
  
Piglet: Well... what seems to be the trouble?  
  
Miroku: They're DOCTORS?  
  
Zoot: Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes. Oh, come, come... you must try to rest. Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston; practice your art.  
  
The two girls sit on the bed and relieve Miroku of his shield and staff, which he's been holding in front of him during the whole scene.  
  
Winston: *Try* to relax...  
  
Miroku: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?  
  
Piglet: We *must* examine you...  
  
Miroku: There's nothing wrong with *that*!  
  
Winston: Please.... we *are* doctors.  
  
Miroku tries to run off again forcing his way down the stairs  
  
Miroku: Ach! That cannot be! I am sworn to Chastity!  
  
Winston: Back to your bed at once!  
  
Miroku: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Jewel!  
  
Piglet: There's no jewel here...  
  
Miroku: I have seen it, I have seen it! I have-  
  
Suddenly he looks around, and realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their nightclothes. Some are brushing their hair, some are eating various sorts of suggestive fruits... As he passes through them, each one whispers "Hello!". He runs out of the chamber, into staircase, where he almost runs into Zoot!!  
  
Dingo: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.  
  
Miroku: Oh. Well, excuse me, I--  
  
Dingo: Where are you going?  
  
Miroku: I seek the Jewel! I have seen it, here, in this castle!  
  
Dingo: No... oh, no!! Bad, *bad* Zoot!  
  
Miroku: What is it?  
  
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, *naughty* Zoot! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is jewel-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem...  
  
Galahad: It's not the real Jewel????!  
  
Dingo: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, *evil* Zoot! She is a *naughty* person, and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the jewel-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and *spank* her. You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then...... spank me!  
  
Miroku: Well, I could stay a *bit* longer...  
  
Katz: Cut! Good job everyone. O_o; We don't have much time left, so lets cut to the last scene, Sesshoumaru?  
  
Sesshoumaru is wearing a knight's suit while sitting in the fort, feet kicked up on the ledge while he reads a novel boredly.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Huh? Oh, yes, very well.  
  
InuYasha: Sango! Miroku! Myoga!  
  
Kagome: Guys! Sango!  
  
InuYasha: Sango!  
  
We see Sango, Miroku, and Myoga standing by a police car while Jessi frisks them all, not knowing she's stealing all their money and note in their pockets.  
  
InuYasha: Look! Its is The Castle Aaaagh! Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- LORD JESUS CHRIST!  
  
An Arrow is shot at them, barley missing them by a few inches  
  
Sesshoumaru: -in a remarkably good French Accent- Allo, dappy Human k- niggets and Monsieur InuYasha, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!  
  
InuYasha: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Sengoku Jidai, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!  
  
Sesshoumaru: How you Humans say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out- clever us YouKai folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.  
  
InuYasha: -vein pop- In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!  
  
Sesshoumaru: No chance, human bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!  
  
InuYasha: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! In the name of God and the glory of our--  
  
Sesshoumaru pours a bucket of goo on InuYasha and Kagome while humming softly  
  
InuYasha: Gah! Right! That settles it!  
  
Sesshoumaru: Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of you already! -maniacal laughter-  
  
InuYasha: Walk away. Just ignore them.  
  
Sesshoumaru: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard anything yet, dappy human k-nnniggets! Thpppt!  
  
InuYasha: We shall attack at once!  
  
Kagome: Yes, my liege!  
  
InuYasha: Stand by for attack! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God, .....we shall not stop our fight 'til each one of you lies dead, and the Shikkon Jewel returns to those whom God has chosen! Charge!  
  
And Army of knights charge toward Sesshoumaru who returned to kicking his feet up reading and a police siren goes off, Jessi gets out of the truck and shoves everyone inside  
  
Kaede: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.  
  
Jessie: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.  
  
Kaede: Get that one.  
  
Jessi: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along. Put this man in the van. Clear off. Come on.  
  
Kagome: With whom?  
  
Jessi: Which one, this one? Put him in the van, get a blanket. Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on! Run along! Run along! Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is. Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along. All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.  
  
As Katz walks on stage ready to say that it was too hectic Jessi shoves me off the stage  
  
Katz: Christ! OW!  
  
Katz wakes up a short while later seeing everyone pack up to leave.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Tomorrow, we better be doing something, not-hectic.  
  
Katz: Tomorrow I'll begin finding scripts for Road To Perdition, I promise.  
  
Everyone left and Katz gave Jessi a look as she smiled and waved them away. 


	3. No, youre the Asshole

The Inu Crew's Messed Up Movie!  
Such An Asshole x3  
Directed By Katz-Sama  
  
Katz: Authors Note: If you are really disturbed by cursing, I'd suggest you not read today's script.  
  
******************************************************  
  
Katz ran in the door cracking up and fell on Sesshoumaru's shoulder then fell off rolling on the floor dropping her CD player.  
  
InuYasha: What's her problem?  
  
Kagome puts the headphones and also dropped laughing. InuYasha stared wide- eyed, Sesshoumaru sighed and poked Katz with a pole, Miroku also put his ear to the headphones, and he too tried not to break down laughing but failed. Shippou put his ear to the other headphone and his eyes grew big as he scooted away. Rin listened and tugged on Sesshoumaru's robes.  
  
Rin: Sesshoumaru, what's a Bio-degradable Styrofoam burger? And what are Nuclear Fucking weapons?  
  
Sesshoumaru sighed and listened to the song  
  
Sesshoumaru: This sounds like everyone I know. Especially InuYasha and Naraku.  
  
Naraku and InuYasha each took an earphone and listened.  
  
InuYasha: I could've sworn this describes you Naraku.  
  
Naraku: What is this?  
  
Katz finally sat up and put the CD into the stereo system and began to sing to the song.  
  
Katz: Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American dream. About me, about you, about the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub cockle area, maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don't know. I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job. I'm your average white suburbanite slob. I like football and porno and books about war. I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor.  
  
My wife and my job, my kids and my car. My feet on my table and a cuban cigar.  
  
But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested (oh no) no way (uh-uh) No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense (oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane, While people behind me are going insane.  
  
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole) I use public toilets and piss on the seat, I walk around in the summertime saying "How about this heat?" I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole) Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces, While handicapped people make handicapped faces. I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)  
  
Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong NAAAAH!  
  
I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole)  
  
Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado, hot-fuckin'-pink, with whaleskin hubcaps and all-leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights... yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per gallon, suckin' down quarter pound cheeseburgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non- biodegradable styrofoam containers... yeah! And when I'm done suckin' down those greaseball burgers I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right out the side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words--nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK? Russia, Czechoslovakia, Romania, they can have all the democracy they want...they can have a democracy cakewalk right through the middle of Tienamen Square and it won't make a lick of fuckin' difference, because we got the bombs, OK? John Wayne's not dead--he's frozen! And when we find a cure for cancer, we're gonna thaw out the Duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why? You ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times--that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Casavetti and Sam Peckinpaw and a case of fuckin' whisky and drive...  
  
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?)  
  
Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Chris. I thought I was the asshole... all the time it was him... what an asshole!  
  
I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole) A S-S H-O L-E Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay A-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom A-thoom-thoom Soooooooo I'm an asshole and I'm proud of it!  
  
At the end of the song, Katz was standing on stage on her knees with the microphone. Miroku had stuffed Shippou's head into the seats, InuYasha and Naraku were arguing and calling each other names. Rin was asking Sesshoumaru what Nuclear fucking weapons were, Sango and Kagome were in tear laughing.  
  
Kagome: Hey, instead of a movie, lets do this song!  
  
Katz: Good idea! Everyone! Take a script and an instrument!  
  
InuYasha smiled slightly, he liked this song. Shippou didn't understand it, and Sesshoumaru was irritated by Rin's curiosity.  
  
InuYasha: He's the world's biggest asshole. EVERYONE! A-S-S-H-O-L-E!  
  
Miroku: I take it you like this song.  
  
Katz: Places!  
  
The scene begins with Sesshoumaru in the back of the stage while playing a guitar, and Kagome in center stage narrating the first part.  
  
Kagome: Folks, I'd like to sing a song about my companions. About me, about you, about the way our demon and human hearts beat way down in the bottom of our chests. About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys. Maybe even in the colon, we don't know, and we don't wanna know.  
  
Sesshoumaru begins to sing the next part barley looking up from the guitar.  
  
Sesshoumaru: I'm just a regular YouKai with a regular job. I'm your average white suburbanite slob.  
  
Miroku: I like football and porno and books about war. I've got an average hut with a nice dirt floor.  
  
Sesshoumaru: My servant and my land, my kid and my moon scar. My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar! But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested (oh no) no way (uh-uh) No, I've gotta go out and have fun at someone else's expense! (oh yeah) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I walk really slow in the escape lane, While people behind me are going insane.  
  
Everyone: I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)  
  
InuYasha: I use public toilets and piss on the seat, (everyone scoots away) I walk around in the summertime whining "How about this heat?"  
  
Everyone: I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)  
  
Naraku: Sometimes I stand in handicapped places, While handicapped people make handicapped faces.  
  
Everyone: I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)  
  
Miroku: Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong  
  
Naraku, InuYasha, Sesshoumaru: NAAAAH!  
  
Everyone: I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)  
  
Sesshoumaru: Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a two headed dragon, blazing eyes, hot-fuckin'-pink, with emerald scales, and brown baby seals for his breakfast... yeah!  
  
InuYasha: And I'm gonna run around avoiding that dragon doing 115 miles an hour, getting 1 mile per meal, suckin' down quarter pound cups of ramen in the old-fashioned non- biodegradable styrofoam containers... yeah!  
  
Naraku: And when I'm done suckin' down those ramen cups, I'm gonna toss the styrofoam containers right side, and there ain't a goddamn thing anybody can do about it. You know why?  
  
Everyone: Because we got the bombs, that's why... yeah! Two words, nuclear fuckin' weapons, OK?  
  
InuYasha: Kikyo's not dead! She's a clay statue! And when we find a way to bring her back, we're gonna chip out the priestess and she's gonna be pretty pissed off.  
  
Miroku: You know why? You ever jumped in the cold river? Well, multiply that by 15 million times. That's how pissed off the priestess's gonna be. I'm gonna get the priestess and Sango and Kagome and a case of whisky and run...  
  
Sango: Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know you really are an asshole?  
  
Kagome: Why don't you shut up and sing the song, Sesshoumaru. I thought I was the asshole... all the time it was him... what an asshole!  
  
Everyone: I'm an asshole (I'm an asshole, he's an asshole) I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)  
  
Sesshoumaru: A S-S H-O L-E! Everybody, A S-S H-O L-E! Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay Ay-Ay A-thoom A-thoom-thoom, A-thoom-thoom!  
  
Naraku: I'm an asshole, and I'm proud of it.  
  
Katz: Wh00t! That was awesome job, guys! Sesshoumaru, nice job on the guitar!  
  
InuYasha: So Naraku admits he's an asshole.  
  
Naraku: Grrr. GET OVER HERE!  
  
InuYasha and Naraku tackle each other and rip at each other's hair.  
  
Sesshoumaru: -pokes- A-S-S-H-O-L-E. Yes you are.  
  
************************************************************  
  
Katz: Good? Yes x3 I love Dennis Leary and here's my disclaimer.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Inu Crew, and I do not own Dennis Leary. I only own his albums. If you wish to hear the song yourself, either.  
  
A)Watch Comedy Central for Dennis Leary  
B) Buy the album 'No Cure For Cancer'  
C) Download the mp3 here 


	4. No Way Out

The Inu Crew's Messed Up Movie!  
No Way Out  
Directed By Katz-Sama  
  
Katz: Authors Note: Be aware that these movies are going to be mutilated by an Author Addicted to her Dennis Leary albums, a YouKai Lord who likes spending his time imitating people and reading long romance novels, a half breed dog human//full breed asshole, and many other weirdoes x3  
  
******************************************************  
  
Katz again came in with her CD Player Shaking about dancing, jumping over seats and singing. Sesshoumaru looked up from his book and rolled his eyes, InuYasha and Miroku could only stare and blink. No one else took any interest.  
  
Katz: I got an idea!  
  
InuYasha: What now, genius.  
  
Katz: Let us mutilate every song on this Denis Leary CD  
  
Naraku: Not the asshole song again! NOOO!  
  
Sango: Whiner.  
  
Katz: Lets start with this song. Everyone! Grab a script!  
  
Sesshoumaru picked of the script and made a half humorous look  
  
Sesshoumaru: Pfft. Life's Gonna Suck? Oh the truth preached in this song..  
  
Katz: PLACES!  
  
We see Sesshoumaru talking to Rin, and Miroku in the corner with a guitar.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Here's a song for you Rin!  
  
Rin: Really?  
  
Miroku starts a Guitar Beat and Sesshoumaru stands up with a smile  
  
Sesshoumaru: Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up! Life's gonna suck when you grow up! It sucks pretty badly right now! Sing along!  
  
InuYasha: You're gonna have to tilt the land, Cook the food, Build a home! You're gonna have to learn at school, until you're 17!  
  
Miroku: It might 3 times as long as that..  
  
Sango: You might have to go to war, wield a weapon, and kill a man! You might have to go to war when you get out of school!  
  
Naraku: Don't worry kids! It gets worse!  
  
Kagome: You're gonna have to deal with stress, deal with stress, deal with stress, you're gonna be a giant mess, when you go back in time!  
  
Naraku: OniGumo does not exist, and there is no priestess Kikyo.  
  
You'll find out when you grow up, that InuYasha has a huge ego! Ego! Ego!  
  
Muahahahaha!  
  
Everyone: Ah, Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up! Life's gonna suck when you grow up  
  
It sucks pretty bad right now!  
  
Miroku: You're gonna end up smoking crack, on your back, face the fact, you're gonna end up hooked on smack!  
  
Everyone: And then you're gonna die!  
  
Everyone starts dancing around in a circle humming except for Rin who is about to burst into tears.  
  
Sesshoumaru: And then you're gonna diiiiiieeeeee!  
  
Katz: That was...the most beautiful thing...ever! Hey, is she gonna be okay? Someone get a tissue.  
  
Rin by now was I a pool of tears over the fact that she had to grow up.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Good Lord...Come on Rin, let's go, we'll get you that sugary, slurpy stuff later.  
  
Rin: Soda?  
  
Sesshoumaru: Whatever.  
  
Katz: Come one! Lets go! We have to finish in time for me to get home before my parents figures out I've been sneaking around!  
  
We see Sesshoumaru, Rin, and Jaken walking along, and Sesshoumaru turns to Jaken just as a beat starts to pick up.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Jaken?  
  
Jaken: Yes...Master Sesshoumaru?  
  
Sesshoumaru: I want you to get that sword, and massacre a town!  
  
Sesshoumaru turns to An and Un, his faithful dragon  
  
Sesshoumaru: I want you to fly up high, high in the sky and kill them all.  
  
Sesshoumaru turns to Rin and smiles kneeling down to her  
  
Sesshoumaru: Th-Th-They d-d-don't deserve to live. What did they ever give to you?  
  
Voices: Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah nah  
  
Sesshoumaru: You know what I want you to do? I want you to go down the path to that village where that guy keeps playing that annoying instrument over and over and over again. I want you to knock on the door, and when he answers the door. I want you to stab him in the neck with a pointy stick over and over and over again...  
  
Sesshoumaru gets hyped up at this point with fire is his eyes and screams  
  
Sesshoumaru: Because. He. Must. PAAAAAAAYYY! Chop him up and throw him in the river, and as you leave the village, light the place on fire!  
  
Rin and Jaken: Voices in my head! These are the voices in my-Voices in my head! These are, the voices in my-  
  
Sesshoumaru appears behind InuYasha with a devious and confident smile  
  
Sesshoumaru: You should dress up like a clown!  
  
Sesshoumaru and InuYasha stare each other in the face and growl  
  
Both: ARF! ARF! AROOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
We see InuYasha with his hand covering his ears while he listens to his mother.  
  
Mother: Hi, you never called me back. I got the pictures back from  
  
Thanksgiving. I don't know why you wear that earring. If your  
  
father was alive I don't know what he'd say. I was talking to  
  
Sesshoumaru yesterday. You know Sesshoumaru, your brother?  
  
He took over as Western lord! He's got a good life now. Are you on drugs? *Gasp* Why don't you ever call me back? *Gasp* When are you gonna get married son? *Gasp* Isn't it about time you settled down and got yourself a wife and got yourself a house and got a kid, and got a car, and got a pet, and got a servant . . .  
  
InuYasha: Voices in my head! These are the voices in my-Voices in my head! These are, the voices in my-  
  
We see Hojo again trying to call Kagome's house sighing with a half hopeful look  
  
Hojo: Why, why is it every time I gotta wait on fucking line  
  
We see Kagome watching TV with an irritated look  
  
Kagome: Why is it every time I turn on my television set I gotta see  
  
Sally Struthers and those starving kids? Why can't somebody just  
  
send her a check and shut her and those GOD DAMN KIDS up?  
  
Where's Rob Reiner when you need him?  
  
We see Naraku in his usual spaced out look  
  
Naraku: Why, why don't they drop the bomb, right on top of everyone?  
  
Nah-nah, nah-nah, nah-nah nah  
  
Everyone: Voices in my head! These are the voices in my-Voices in my head! These are, the voices in my- Voices in my head! These are the voices in my- Voices in my head! These are, the voices in my- Voices in my head! These are the voices in my-Voices in my head! These are, the voices in my- Voices in my head! These are the voices in my-Voices in my head! These are, the voices in my-  
  
Katz: Stop, stop, stop with the singing!  
  
Everyone stops and blinks  
  
Katz: Whew. 


End file.
